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<title>I Don't Want to Watch the World End With Someone Else by Amethyzt</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27038242">I Don't Want to Watch the World End With Someone Else</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amethyzt/pseuds/Amethyzt'>Amethyzt</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The 100 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Also Indra secretly loves Picasso, Angst, F/M, M/M, Onesided Murven, Post-Season/Series Finale, pining raven</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 04:47:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,619</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27038242</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amethyzt/pseuds/Amethyzt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>By the time Raven realizes her feelings, it's too late. She would never come between Murphy and Emori, but it doesn't mean her heart isn't breaking.</p><p>Title taken from the song by Clinton Kane.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bellamy Blake/Echo, Emori/John Murphy (The 100), Eric Jackson/Nathan Miller, Hope Diyoza &amp; Jordan Jasper Green, John Murphy/Raven Reyes, Octavia Blake/Levitt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>81</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I Don't Want to Watch the World End With Someone Else</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They still haven’t mastered the art of building a sturdy shelter and it’s been five weeks. Sure, they have walls, but it turns out—roofing is hard.</p><p>Still, Raven thinks there are worst problems to have. Sleeping every night under a clear sky, the stars glitter in the dark expanse, mini supernovas in waiting for their final transformation. Up on the Ring, on the days she considered what the end of the world—what the end of humanity—would be like, she didn’t think it would be like this.</p><p>It’s peaceful. It’s bittersweet. She can’t help but think of everyone they lost along the way. Harper, Monty, Jasper, Abby, Kane, Sinclair, Gabriel, Bellamy… <em>Finn</em>… The dead may not transcend, but their memory will be alive for as long as they are. Some days, that’s a comforting thought. Some days, it’s not.</p><p>Raven watches Miller stir the flames of the bonfire back to life, his movements precise so as not to burn his hand. He’s already made that mistake far too many times. He settles back on the ground beside Jackson, his arm wrapping around his boyfriend on autopilot. Raven looks away.</p><p>Her eyes land on Octavia. She’s combing her fingers through Levitt’s hair, gaze locked on the fire with an undecipherable expression. Raven wonders what’s running through her mind. Levitt’s eyes are closed, Octavia’s ministrations having lulled him to sleep with his head in her lap.</p><p>Beside them are Hope and Jordan, whispering and laughing between themselves. The sight makes Raven smile. Out of everyone here, they deserved to live this life. So much had been taken away from them as it was.</p><p>Gaia and Niylah are playing with Picasso a ways out in the sand, giving that dog all the attention she could wish for in a lifetime. Indra is trying to look stern from her spot beside Echo, but Raven has seen the way she interacts with Picasso when no one is looking, and she suspects Picasso prefers Indra’s belly rubs the best.</p><p>Clarke is taking everything in, like she had pretty much since she found them on the beach. She doesn’t say much after the day’s work is done. Raven suspects she’s grieving, in a way. All of them were.</p><p>Emori and Murphy are missing, as they are most nights around this time. They’re likely having wild sex somewhere out in the woods, and not for the first time, Raven wishes Murphy would encounter some poison ivy during his escapades.</p><p>She doesn’t really mean it. She tries not to think too much about Murphy outside of when they’re working together during the day. He’s shit at building, but he tries. His failed attempts give Raven a reason to tease him, and their exchanges are usually the highlight of her days. It doesn’t matter if she’s bossing him around or if Murphy drags her out of their work to drop her in the frigid water –she still has to get him back for that too. She gets a little piece of him during the day.</p><p>The nights though… The nights belong to Emori. Raven knows there’s a line and she’s not going to cross it.</p><p>Even though her heart hurts. It’s been hurting for a while, but living in peace on this beach has made it worse, especially after experiencing the all-encompassing sense of serenity that had enveloped her when she transcended. It had felt like being wrapped up in warmth, her consciousness shared with that of an infinite number of beings.</p><p>But she didn’t belong in that warmth. <em>They </em>didn’t belong.</p><p>Raven feels the overwhelming need to take a walk, and so she does. She heads away from her friends, arms wrapped around herself to make up for the loss of the flame’s heat. The rough sand crunches underfoot, and it’s not long before she hears a matching set of footfalls behind her. She turns her head, not surprised to see Echo.</p><p>“Can I join?”</p><p>Raven nods and stops to allow her to catch up. “It’s cold though.”</p><p>“It’s like you forget I was Azgeda. Ice runs in my bloodstream.”</p><p>“Well if ice runs in yours, what runs in mine?” Raven says, bending down to pick up a few rocks. Murphy’s been teaching her how to skip rocks, and she’s determined to best him eventually.</p><p>Echo laughs. “Easy. Jet fuel. That’s where your willpower comes from.”</p><p>They walk a further, the bonfire now a small pinprick of light in the distance. Earth without humans is quiet. In the distance, she can hear the howling of a pack of what sounds like wolves. They’re probably a mutated version, the survivors of the second praimfaya.</p><p>Raven bends down again, having better luck this time spotting a few flat rocks. She holds one between her thumb and middle finger, the way Murphy showed her, and throws it into the water. It skims the water a couple times before sinking with a plop.</p><p>“You’re getting better at that.”</p><p>“I would say it’s all thanks to Murphy, but I wouldn’t want to give him yet another reason to be pleased with himself,” Raven says. “He has Emori for that.”</p><p>Echo snorts, and the sound bothers Raven. She turns to look at her friend with a questioning shrug. “What?”</p><p>“Nothing,” Echo says. She heaves herself down onto the ground.</p><p>“No, really what?”</p><p>“You’re really touchy these days.”</p><p>Raven scoffs at that. She deposits the rocks in her hand down onto the ground, wiping her hands on her pants, and sits besides Echo. “I don’t know what you’re getting at.”</p><p>Echo sighs. She doesn’t say anything after that for a while. Raven thinks she’s dropped whatever it was she wanted to bring up, but she was wrong. In retrospect, Echo was probably searching for the right words to say.</p><p>“It’s okay that you love him.”</p><p>That statement makes Raven feel dizzy, like the Earth has been knocked off its axis and they’re now hanging upside down from this beach, like how she felt when she got up too fast on the Ring on the days she didn’t have enough algae to eat.</p><p>She opens her mouth with the intent of denying what Echo just said, but she can’t form the words. Her mouth feels like a desert all the sudden, and she swallows hard to chase the feeling away.</p><p>“Is it obvious?” she whispers. That is her worst fear. Raven loves Emori like a sister. She would never do that to her, would never hurt her the way she had been hurt all those years ago. But her heart hasn’t quite caught on to that.</p><p>To her relief, Echo shakes her head. “I just know you. It’s the way you smile when you’re with him.”</p><p>“I smile with everybody.”</p><p>“Not like you do with him.”</p><p>A knot begins forming in her throat, and Raven tries to swallow it away. “It doesn’t matter anyway. Murphy has made it very clear he loves Emori. And that’s that.”</p><p>“That doesn’t make your feelings any less valid,” Echo says.</p><p>Echo is trying to be there for her, Raven recognizes that, appreciates it, but she doesn’t want to be having this conversation. The only thing it’s doing is reminding her of the one thing she wants most in this world that the universe has repeatedly decided she doesn’t deserve.</p><p>She wants what Miller and Jackson have. What Octavia and Levitt have found. What Hope and Jordan are just discovering.</p><p>There was a time in her life when she thought she had it. She had plummeted down to Earth on a tin can for it, only to be disappointed when Finn didn’t wait 10 days before moving on. It had hurt, but she had been 19. She thought she had time to find what she was looking for.</p><p>Never in a million years did she think she would find that in Murphy. But again, the universe has a funny way of doing things. They spent years on the Ark and while she can’t say the thought never crossed her mind, she never lingered too long on what it meant. She chalked it up to loneliness.</p><p>On the nights she feels like torturing herself the most, she thinks of Eligius III. Something changed between them on that ship, and Raven runs herself weary with all the “what if’s” that would have maybe led him to be… hers.</p><p>But none of those scenarios happened. She messed up. Her feelings terrified her, and instead of confronting them, she redirected them to an easier target. It wasn’t fair to Shaw, but in him, she had found a little piece of solace. A temporary reprieve that eventually only brought her more pain.</p><p>Because she lost him too. And now she has to watch the man she loves be in love with one of her best friends for the rest of her life.</p><p>Echo is right; her feelings <em>are</em> valid, but they’re pointless. Raven had known it with every swing of her hammer inside the bunker when they were trying to save Emori’s life. Murphy’s never looked at Raven the way he looks at Emori. She guesses it’s karma; after all, she’s the reason Nikki lost her soulmate.</p><p>She feels the cold sting of tears in her eyes suddenly, her body concaving into itself as she tries to choke back her cries. Tears stream down her cheeks, her mouth pressed tightly. She feels them gather in the corner of her mouth.</p><p>Echo doesn’t hold her. They’re alike that way. Neither of them like to be touched when they’re like this.</p><p>Instead she lets her cry, and pretends she doesn’t see it. They stare into the dark ocean in silence. Raven doesn’t realize how much she needed this until now.</p><p>After a few minutes, Raven manages to get a hold of herself, sniffling as she wipes her tears away with the back of her hand.</p><p>“It’s fine,” she says dismissively. “I’m fine.”</p><p>From the corner of her eye, Raven sees Echo smile sadly. “You always are.”</p><p>“So are you.”</p><p>Echo nods slowly, and then, that nod turns into a shake of her head. “I’m not though, OK, I mean.” Raven sees a tear roll down her friend’s cheek and that’s enough to trigger the return of the sting in her own eyes. “I miss him. He should be here with us.”</p><p>Raven opens her mouth to agree with her, but Echo brings her head to her knees, exhaling in frustration. “I replay our last conversation over and over, and even now that we know he was right, I’m still so <em>angry.</em>” She lifts her head to look at Raven. “He made me feel like I never mattered, after I spent years on Skyring trying to get back to him. He… He made me feel so <em>small</em>.”</p><p>Raven touches her shoulder. “That wasn’t the man you fell in love with, you know that right?”</p><p>“Most days…But some days I wish I could have spoken to him one last time. If only to tell him I never thought he was crazy. Mislead, yes—but I could never think he was crazy.” She lets out a half-sob, half-laugh, and shakes her head as if to get rid of her sadness. “It’s just hard to let go of him, even though I know I should.”</p><p>“Maybe a disciple will choose to come back and you’ll find your own Levitt,” Raven says.</p><p>At this, Echo snorts, knowing just as much as Raven that the disciples would never come back. There would be a better chance of an Eligius criminal or someone from Wonkru deciding to return to Earth. But still, she plays along. “Maybe one will come down for you too.”</p><p>They pick themselves up from the sand, brushing it off their pants before beginning their slow return to camp. Halfway there, they see Emori and Murphy emerge from the woods just ahead of them. His arm is slung around her shoulder, her body leaning against his.</p><p>Raven wonders if the sight will ever stop stinging. She hopes it will. That’s the worst thing about peace—there’s too much time to linger on emotions. It leads to nights like these.</p><p>Echo follows her gaze. “Are you ever going to tell him?”</p><p>“No,” Raven answers decisively. “As long as he’s happy… I’ll be okay.”</p><p>Emori and Murphy catch sight of them, and they head toward them. Emori flashes her a billion-watt smile. Raven feels guilt settle deep in her stomach. Emori disentangles herself from Murphy and runs to them, half-jumping on Echo.</p><p>“What are you guys up to?” She says, animatedly looking between them. Her brow furrows when she catches their expressions. “Everything okay?” Murphy reaches them then, his hands tucked into his pockets.</p><p>“All good,” Echo says. “Just taking a little nighttime stroll. We’re heading back now.”</p><p>“We’ll walk with you,” Emori says.</p><p>They start heading back together, but Raven feels someone grab her elbow. Murphy is staring pointedly at her, and she knows he wants her to stay behind. “You guys go ahead,” he tells Emori and Echo, his hand sliding down her arm. She wishes he would stop touching her like this, these casual touches that don’t mean anything to him.</p><p>Echo looks back at Raven, and she nods her permission. Emori doesn’t think twice about it.</p><p>When they’re a ways away, Murphy stares her dead in the eye. “You’ve been crying.”</p><p>“No I haven’t.”</p><p>He rolls his eyes. “You sound like you have.”</p><p>She turns around, crossing her arms. She doesn’t want to see his concerned face. He’s only trying to be her friend, but Raven hates it. And she appreciates it. She wants his friendship and she wants him. Eventually, his friendship <em>will </em>be enough, but it’s not tonight.</p><p>He puts a hand at the small of her back. He’s close enough that she can smell the woods on his skin, combined with the scent of sweet vanilla he’s always had, even underneath the blood and sweat that so many times threatened to cover it up.</p><p>“I know I’m not always the easiest to talk to,” he says, “but you know you can tell me anything, right?”</p><p><em>No, not everything, Murph,</em> she thinks. Still, she nods to appease him.</p><p>“Good, so what’s wrong?”</p><p>If she tells him nothing is wrong now, he’ll let the matter drop, but he will be hurt, and Raven doesn’t want to hurt him. So she chooses to sidestep his question.</p><p>“It’s nothing you can help with,” Raven says. “Unless you know how to turn back time?”</p><p>He nods, as if he understands. “You wish Shaw was here.”</p><p>Raven furrows her brow, wondering how in the world he would draw that conclusion from what she just said. She still has her back to him though, and he can’t see her expression.</p><p>“You know, his last words were that you deserved happiness,” he adds. “If that’s any consolation.”</p><p>Raven sighs, turning her head to look at him “It is,” she lies. “Thank you.”</p><p>His hand starts to travel up her back before he stops abruptly. He clears his throat, retrieving his hand and crossing his arms in front of his chest. “We should get back.”</p><p>“Yeah, we should.”</p><p>Neither of them make a move toward camp. Raven bends down, extending her bad leg in front of her, and picks up a few rocks. Murphy follows her lead. They skip a couple stones, and for a little slice of the night, she gets Murphy to herself. She tells herself it’s enough for forever. It has to be.</p><p>But when Murphy looks at her, <em>really </em>looks at her, his eyes full of what she would describe as adoration if it were anyone else, she wonders…</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I've been trying to focus on my WIP, but this was in my mind begging to be written. I both apologize for the angst and thank you for reading lol</p></blockquote></div></div>
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